The Emotion of Guilt and the Mother Wound
What is the Mother Wound?
Our very first relationship in this world was with our mother. The mother wound is a term that describes the emotional and psychological pain that arises from a disruption in the emotional bond with one’s parental figure, one’s mother. When a child receives physical care from their mother but lacks emotional connection, nurturance, and support, this is the Mother Wound. It refers to the long-lasting effects of those unmet emotional needs and how they can impact our relationship with ourselves and how we see ourselves and others around us. This pattern is often intergenerational, passed down from mother to child over the centuries.
The mirror in which you might come to see yourselves through your mother's eyes is missing and skewed. This results, in essence, in crippling self-doubt, never feeling quite good enough, feeling empty inside, and feeling very guilty when wanting to develop and grow separately from your mother. It can also be experienced in relationships, where we might fear being engulfed and, therefore, pull away emotionally from others, shutting down, and sometimes feeling shame and not trusting ourselves or others. These patterns are often largely unconscious.
Guilt and the Mother Wound
One of the main emotions that arises is the feeling of guilt when we begin to move into our separateness. This is where we come to honour our separate selves in the world, separate from mother. The psychological term for this is differentiation. We differentiate from other parental figures to come into our own selves. Guilt is probably one of the most common feelings in this wounding.
Guilt is common in the mother wound because it arises from the deep conflict between loyalty to the mother and loyalty to the self. When a child begins to notice, largely unconsciously, that their emotional or developmental are not being met, then they often blame themselves before they ever blame their caregivers. This creates guilt for having needs, for setting boundaries, and even for growing into an independent self.
Guilt shows up so persistently because in early child development, there is great dependency and Idealization that happens between child and parent. A child is completely dependent on their mother (or primary caregiver). To survive, the child must idealize her, even if she's hurtful or emotionally unavailable. Any negative thoughts or feelings toward her become "forbidden", creating guilt.
“If I feel angry at her, I’m bad.”
Fear of Hurting or Abandoning One’s Mother
In the Mother Wound, there is a deep fear of hurting or abandoning one’s mother. This fear is especially strong if the mother is emotionally fragile, enmeshed, or leaned on the child to meet her own unmet needs. As the child matures and becomes more aware of the mother’s limitations, they may begin to separate emotionally. This is a healthy development. Where this is not supported by the parental figure, guilt is often triggered.
“If I speak honestly about who I am or what I need, I’ll hurt her.”
“If I live my life differently, I’m rejecting her.”
Internalised Guilt as Control
Some mothers use guilt (consciously or not) to maintain closeness or control.
A child, who later becomes the adult who may hear things like:
“After all I’ve done for you…”
“You’re being selfish.”
Children internalise this message and grow up feeling guilty for asserting autonomy, saying no, or even feeling joy when their mother is unhappy.
Guilt as a Defence Against Grief and Anger
Guilt is also very interesting as an emotion that we might move toward instead of what is really beneath it. It’s often easier to feel guilty than to feel grief over what was missing or anger about what was done. Guilt becomes a defence mechanism.
“Maybe I just wasn’t good enough — if I had been better, she would have loved me right.”
This is a way to avoid the painful reality that the mother, often herself wounded, couldn’t fully show up.
So, to begin to address this wounding and these feelings of guilt, it helps greatly to understand what is happening. Naming the source of guilt, practising self-compassion when guilt arises, and allowing space for loving your parent (in this exploration, your mother) and the truth of your own wants and needs, separate from her, is part of this path. You can honour your mother and also acknowledge how you were hurt. Both are true.
New! Online Course Series
Returning to the Well
Healing the Mother Wound
Mother Archetype and the Celtic Spirit
I am delighted to reintroduce the Returning to the Well course series to you this month for anyone who missed it. I have created an online course program to help you meet this wound in your life. For anyone who missed the Spring Program, this is now available as an online learning and experience.
